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See me through my eyes

My life

Join me on a walk through my abuse, disabilities, and finally death. You're going to read my story and cry, laugh, and finally see me through my dying eyes. My name is Lyle Romans. I am 23 years old. I am a young man who never had a good childhood. I've experienced physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I was even abused by my mother and older brother. I have had autism my whole life, but was never told until I was 13 years old. I had accidents every day. I had no friends and everyone bullied me. This created my depression. Being told every day that I should kill myself definitely didn't help, eventually I couldn't handle it and tried to kill myself. I remember wrapping the cord around my neck and then wrapping it around the rod in the closet. I let go of the cord and it snapped. My mother came in and was really upset about the damage done to the closet, she didn't even care about me or what I had just tried to do.

Why am I even alive?

I was tested over the years in school for academic abilities. I failed every class, and eventually stopped wanting to go to school. It got to the point that the thought was put in my head by mean grade school students "Why are you even alive?" I thought that maybe they were right. When my mom used drugs, she would abuse me. She sold herself online and would also put webcam videos of her abusing me online for others to see. I grew up different than other children. I could have been the next statistic as in being broken. I could've turned to drugs and alcohol, but I actually did the opposite. Even though my mother and father took drugs, I never took that route. At age 13 I moved in with my father in Arizona. The reality was that nothing changed. I was still beaten daily. My nickname was "retard." What did I do to deserve a life like this? I was threatened that I will be killed if I ever tell on them. I was so scared to even talk to others. I was in Special Ed classes, I saw happiness as a light in a sense. They understood me, but reality hit once I got home. It was back to being called "retard" and being beaten. My father would use my Social Security disability money. Since he was getting money from the government for my disability, I was just a paycheck for them.

An Angel told me that it's not my time yet

I was removed from my fathers house when I turned 18. I was put in a disability foster home. Finally I thought to myself this is it, this is the reward for being a tortured child. My very first year with my foster parents were amazing. There were no beatings, no trying to figure out where or when I'll eat. However, this didn't last long because I went to the doctor who was extremely confused about what was wrong with me. So, long story short two years passed and I was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and dermatomyositis. You might not recognize these diseases, but they are what I'm dying from today. I remember being angry with God and crying at night. I would ask him why me? It was finally my happy ending when my questions were answered. I had a chance to go to heaven one night while I was admitted to the hospital and OHSU. One minute my machines were going crazy and in the blink of an eye I was in heaven. I didn't want to come back here, but an Angel told me that it's not my time yet. He smiled and in a blink of an eye I was back in the hospital bed. The doctors were rushing in and it felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly. All the pain of my deterioration was back and now I have 20% lung capacity left. Most of my muscle mass has deteriorated. This is the point of sharing my story with everyone.

My Successes After Heaven

Now that you have heard my story, let me tell you the success that happened after I went to heaven. I became a motivational speaker helping thousands, and do you want to know why? It's because the life that I lived wouldn't have been possible if I never went through abuse, anger, denial, and attempted suicide. All of my life events led me to who I am today. I want you to leave understanding that no matter how bad you have it or no matter how many people say you can't do it, it is possible to make it through. All you have to do is push forward. There's always a positive outlook to any negative problem you face. So many people look at others who are physically different, that are dying, and what do they think? It shouldn't have been that poor man, but do you know what? These scars and medical problems I have make me face life head on knowing that literally I'm not going to beat my diseases.

I want you to see the people that are dying and for you to understand that every single person is not the same. When you see a person in a wheelchair, learn their story even if it's a sad one. That person will feel happy to know you saw through their deformations. Look into their eyes with equal respect, integrity, honor, because those of us who are dying are some of the strongest people you'll ever meet. You have to take the chance to get to know us, not our disabilities and not just our medical diagnosis. We may be different physically, but we all want to be treated as a person and not as an object of pity.

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